A first of many random musings

So I turned 30. Most of you already know this but I feel like I just figured it out. I realize I am 5 months late but I guess “better late than never”, right?

The weirdest thing for me about turning 30 is how un-30 I feel.

Maybe it’s because I’m not married or that I don’t have kids? Maybe it’s because I don’t have a mortgage and up until a month ago I had no real bills besides rent (I’ve added a car payment to that)? For a 30 year old I have a shocking lack of responsibility.

Or maybe it’s because I still get carded when I buy Dayquil, spray paint and R-rated movies?

Whatever the reason, I don’t feel like I thought I would. 30 always seemed so old and mature. Like really old. Really, really old.

I realize now that my 18-year-old eyes were limited and 30 really is the new 20. (Right? That’s what I keep hearing so it must be true)


What really got me thinking about this was a recent realization that my sister, Deanne – the married for 10+ years, has 4 children, sister; is only 3 years older than me.

Again, many of you already knew this. And I technically did know this too. But when you’re little, your older siblings seem so much older than you. Like decades older than you. It made sense for her to be married with 4 kids, have a mortgage and such because she was so much older than me.

But then I thought about it and was surprised to find out that 3 years is like nothing. 3 years is the difference between a Freshman and a Senior. It’s the difference between me and my best friend. It’s nothing. So as it turns out Deanne isn’t that much older than me.

This was a big realization.

I’m old.

I am not a young adult.

I am a regular adult.

This isn’t a post about how sad I am to not be married or how lonely I am, because I’m not.

It’s the realization that if someone 3 years older than me is old enough to be a real adult that I might be too.

I wish I could say I have no regrets from the last 30 years, but I do. A lot of them.

I can say proudly though, that given the chance I wouldn’t change them. They made me who I am and right now I’m pretty fond of that person.

I recently read a book by Donald Miller called “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”. After reading it I’m still not entirely sure what the title means, but I really liked the book. It talks about story, and story structure and how we can use it to make our own lives into better stories. I really recommend it for everyone.

It made me realize I wasn’t living a very good story because there was no real conflict or risk involved in my life. (See beginning about lack of responsibility) A lot of this was because of fear.

Fear of Failure.

Fear of Rejection.

Fear of Vulnerability.

Fear of Being Loved.

So I decided to make a change and make my life more meaningful.

I stopped complaining about not meeting new people and started going to a new church in Hollywood and met new people.

I (temporarily) moved back in with my parents so I could start saving money.

I started counseling to find out why my life was so ruled by fear.

It has only been about 2 months but I can feel the complacency floating back in. Miller recommends writing down a list of goals. Goals that will make you live a better story. I haven’t done this. I’m not a fan of lists as inspirational tools but I am also not a fan of completing things so maybe its time for a change.

Here is my official list of life altering goals. I thought I’d share them with other people and maybe it would encourage you to do the same.



--- My next 30 years ---

1) I want to be healthy inside and out

2) I want to care more about other people

3) I want to write every day, whether it’s a blog, a script or whatever.

4) I want to create without fear

5) I want to make the short I should have made 4 years ago

6) I want to turn that short into a feature

7) I want to date a lot more

8) I want to get Married

9) I want to adopt abused kids and give them a real home

And finally I feel like this is my real calling in life, my ultimate goal.

10) I want to make successful movies so that I can use that money and influence to rescue children and adults from slavery.

Mostly I just want my life to have mattered.


It's time that I be the adult that I am.